I need your opinion...

[iqnectcafe]

Hi , i need to pass this but dont know if its any good.... Please tell me if i have to change any part or words or just thrash it

Roots
Branches may be twisted, cut and trimmed
To bend to mans wishes and needs
But what lies beneath, no one can interfere
Only nature and time has cultivated it
Blood and sweat has nourished this land
For this roots to spread unhindered by man.
Someday things will change, warped and forgotten
But what lies beyond the human eyes
This roots will remain untampered.

 

[Asoul Modder]

Aaaaa...... It's a poem or motivation speak .... It's too long

 

[Harry Severus]

What I think is the thought behind the poem is absolutely great but as it is a free verse at some point it does not feel like a poem. I will see if I could suggest something

 

[Harry Severus]

Never ever thrash your work.....

 

[iqnectcafe]

Really, that would be a great help thank you

Post automatically merged: May 11, 2022

Really, that would be a great help thank you

 

[Darom]

Only nature and time has cultivated it.

I might be wrong but cultivated is kinda man-made, maybe something like made it grow is more appropriate.

 

[Blasphemy]

I don't think I'm qualified to say anything given I have written exactly one poem, but this is pretty good. I like the message behind it, but it's *These roots remain... and Lies beyond the human *eye

 

[Keikocchi]

I agree w them. Pls don't trash it!

 

[Tempestive]

Don't trash it!! I like it.

That said, if I may suggest a couple of things, with my inherent pedantism:


Roots
Branches may be twisted, cut and trimmed (pruned sounds better to me instead of trimmed, with the U vowel)
To bend to mans wishes and needs (I'd make it singular )
But what lies beneath, no one can interfere (I don't think it's correct - you "interfere WITH" something, not "interfere something". maybe a different verb like frustrate or thwart?)
Only nature and time has cultivated it (I agree with Darom regarding cultivated. Maybe "fed"? or "nurtured"? and "have", as it's nature AND time, plural)
Blood and sweat has nourished this land
For this roots to spread unhindered by man. (these, not this)
Someday things will change, warped and forgotten ("may" instead of "will" sounds more harmonious to me)
But what lies beyond the human eyes
This roots will remain untampered. (these, not this. maybe even those?)


So:

Roots
Branches may be twisted, cut and pruned,
Bending to mans wish and need
But what lies beneath, no one can thwart
Only nature and time have fed it
Blood and sweat nourished this land,
For these roots to spread unhindered by man.
Someday things may change, warped and forgotten
But lying beyond human eyes,
Those roots will remain untampered.